I finally figured it out. Here is the analogy of how to get motivated to consume vegetables even though they're not as delicious as your comfort foods and can be comparatively pretty expensive.
You know cars? Those things most of us have to use every single day in order to do other necessary things in life like work or get to the grocery store to buy food? Cars, like, need stuff. First of all, they need gas. Like, a lot of it. All the time. It's not cheap, but it's necessary, and we all know it gives our beloved cars energy to do their thing. They also need things like windshield washer fluid, transmission fluid, coolant, oil changes (dang, cars have a lot of fluids for being big chunks of metal and plastic), new brakes, new tires, and other things like that to keep them running smoothly.
Maintenance can be really expensive and annoying. But, as you're standing there in the tire shop thinking about how much money you're spending on tires, you have a nagging little voice in the back of your mind singing, "If you don't replace your tires you'll regreeeeet iiiiit!"
So you begrudgingly spend oh, so much money on tires for your beloved car, but inside you have this lovely and incredibly wonderful feeling of relief and satisfaction, and even pride because you, my friend, are an Adult (and that's with a capital 'a', thank you very much). You just know from here until yours tires wear out again that you will be safe not have to worry about getting a flat.
Now think with me about your lovely person. You can do whatever you want with your life now that you're an Adult and you control all your decisions about what happens with your money and what you use it for. If you're like me, this means you have decided to buy whatever food you want, ever, and are in the habit of not caring what it is as long as it's delicious and cheap.
If you're not like me and have already learned your lesson that carbs are not your only life source, you don't need this. Move on, you responsible person, you. Or just read for fun. You can do that, too.
Back to being someone who has the same tendencies as I do—which I like to think is most Adults who are in the Learning-How-to-Adult phase—that usually means carbs. So, so many carbs. Bread, noodles, rice, and ice cream are so cheap compared to, say strawberries, which I bought for $11/lb a couple months ago and wanted to throw up in my mouth a little at the cost, but at the time really needed them for an activity so I just had to, you know?
.....so many carbs...
But they're yummy! And they give you energy (that's what carbs are for, right?)! And it takes them a long time to go bad! They're the perfect solution for poor Adults!
No, they are not.
Carbs are the gas of the food world. They keep you running and can be expensive sometimes—not as expensive as tires, goodness sakes—and of course it's necessary to eat something. Now, here's the best part of the analogy.
Vitamins are the coolant, oil, etc. of the car world. If you don't eat foods with those wonderful vitamins, your body will not be prepared when things like the flu and the common cold come around and it needs to do its job to keep you from getting sick but doesn't have the necessary resources vitamins in veggies provide.
Moral of the story: EAT YOUR FREAKING FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.
And that doesn't mean just make sure to include them on your grocery list, because in reality you're going to also buy enough carbs to last you until your next grocery trip, which really means you're just going to let those vegetables rot in the fridge unless you ever feel like eating them because vegetables are your comfort food.
Are vegetables ever anyone's comfort food? No, they are not, and anyone in their right mind would look at someone oddly who says veggies are their comfort food. Hence the fallibility of this plan.
What this moral-of-the-story really means is that you decide what meals you're going to make that include vegetables, and that also means you're going to eat them.
Have I learned this the hard way? Yes, I have. Am I going to Newly Resolve (see what I did there with New Year's resolutions without making one I know I won't achieve just for the fact that it's a dreaded New Year's resolution? That's reverse psychology right there. ;)) .....Am I going to Newly Resolve to include more vegetables in the food I consume? Yes, yes I am.
Am I going to enjoy it? Not really, but I will be satisfied with knowing I'm taking care of myself so I don't break down or catch on fire. Catching on fire is bad, for the record.
And that, my friends, is how veggies should be treated. Not necessarily always with love, but definitely with a healthy respect for what they are and why we have them and how to use them so we don't get sick and die.
I will do my best to not get sick and die. Please also don't get sick and die. I'd miss you.
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